Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Working through the guilt with Dr. google

Dr. Y told me NOT to Google this. He said it 3 or 4 times in the span of 5 minutes. The last thing Dr. Y said to mark as we left the office was this "Do not let her go home and Google this." This man obviously doesn't know me. How could I NOT search out as much information as possible???? And anyway, tell me NOT to do something?? You better believe I'm going to do it.

Everyday for the next 2 weeks it consumed me. If you were to sit down at my computer right now, and type in any combination of the words "hydrocephalus" "infant" and "fluid on the brain" I can assure you every single link that comes up, 20-25 pages deep, will be highlighted, showing the link had been read. In most cases, read, re-read and read again. The information varies, it is terrifying and scary. It is also uplifting and inspiring. Basically, in a nut shell-there is no way to know HOW this will affect Evan. It is most often said that you have a 50/50 chance. There is 50% chance that your child will have a mild delay, such as a speech delay or a motor delay.  There is also a 50% chance your child may never walk or talk. The pressure on the optic nerves can cause blindness...the fluid may result in so much brain damage that the child is a vegetable. No way to know, no way to tell.  This was week 20 of our pregancy. I had 20 weeks left of having to WAIT, not having any idea if my child would be one of the lucky ones, or if he would be severely handicapped. And this is when it hit me. THE GUILT. Not because I thought I had done something wrong (That was evident in my Dr. Google research) But because I was sad that I would have a special needs child. How dare I be sad??? The reason for this.......

I am a special education teacher. I LOVE my job, I LOVE my kids. I have worked in Special Ed for the past 10 years. I KNOW the love, joy and laughter that fill these children's hearts. I cried when one of my darling dears toured her new elementary school with sass and attitude, when walking through a door frame a year prior had caused major meltdowns. I've nearly done back flips when a certain little girl walked onto a bus for the first time without my aid. I cried the first time one of my little friends put the beginning AND ending sound on a SINGLE word he had practiced for MONTHS. I KNEW these kids, I LOVED these kids. They were my life's passion, and now here I was devastated that mine would carry that label. So often I looked to these parents with awe, amazed at their strength. I had said, on more than one occasion, "You were given this child for a reason." and here I was, worried about what would become of Evan. These children had been given to accountants, Brain surgeons, fast food workers, the unemployed  Here I was, with a degree in education, 4 praxis exams that basically certify me to teach special education at every single grade level...and I was wondering "why me" I worked through the guilt and it was apparent. The question wasn't "why me"" it was WHY THE HELL NOT ME??!!!!

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